


I merely don't want to hurt you

by sunshinehide



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Its just angst, M/M, im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-17 16:53:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3536939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinehide/pseuds/sunshinehide
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Haise knew it was best to turn back and return to the chateau, however, he felt the need to look for someone. He didn't know who it was, but he knew it was someone who was important to him once; his sunshine."</p>
<p>In which Haise visits the hospital only to hear the results of the Quinx's checkups, but ends up trying to find someone he doesn't know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I merely don't want to hurt you

_‘This is a new change of setting,’_ Haise thought to himself as he looked around in his dream. He was on a hill, and he felt the presence of someone sitting next to him, but he couldn’t exactly see him. Yes, there was the outline of the person, the clothes that they were wearing and a mop of dyed blonde hair was visible. He noted that there were hamburgers lying on the side of him and the other person, accompanied by fries. He looked at the night sky horizon, and the city lights entranced him. ‘ _Is this a memory?’_ he asked himself and glanced at the person next to him. It didn’t feel like he was a stranger. No, it felt like this person was one who knew him from inside and out, every nook and cranny.

“---neki,” the person spoke. It was male voice, Haise recognised, and when he spoke, it felt like his worries were swept away.  Haise looked at him clearly, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t see the features on his face.  He was so desperate to see who it was, he was tired of unknown faces reminding him of people who he once knew. The person spoke again, “Ah, right… You’re not ----- anymore,” he let out a little chuckle, but it wasn’t a humorous one. _So it is someone I knew before,_ Haise thought.

“It was saddening, to see you in that broken state. If only you realised that no matter if you’re a ghoul or not, you would still be my best friend, and now you’re in this amnesiac state” the mysterious blonde kept on speaking. “But at the same time, I’m glad you’re like this right now. Not remembering who you were before, because if you did, I wouldn’t like to see how you would react seeing me right now,” it sounded like his voice broke in the middle, but quickly regained its composure. The male let out another mirthless chuckle, “But… I find it pitiful that _I_ do want you to remember who I am. I guess that after months of loneliness got to me; I never really was the person to be afraid of being alone, unlike…” he stopped, “well, unlike him.” The person stood up and his back was facing Haise, and this frustrated the half-ghoul even more. He wanted to know so desperately who this person was.  This person radiated happiness and warmth, Haise felt. His past self was so lucky to have a person like this in his life.

“Man, just take care of yourself for me, ok? You have people who care about you, and they vocalize it, so don’t let them down,” he told Haise. Haise felt a surge of panic and stood up, “Wait, you’re not leaving,” he proclaimed. “You can only dream for so long, Haise,” the other said.

“I’m sick and tired of not knowing who some people are. So please, just… just tell me your name,” Haise felt like he was practically begging and he was shameful of his actions, but he needed to know. The person nodded, and as he turned around, brown honey eyes looked at Haise, “I guess you do deserve to know. Alright, it’s Hi-“

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

_  
_ The alarm blaring from Haise’s phone woke him up in a start, as he practically almost fell of the bed.  He looked at his phone screen, _7:30 A.M._ it read. Haise let out a sigh and he buried his head on his hands. He made a realisation, a quite surprising one. He was crying.

 

* * *

 

Haise didn't know how he was walking down this corridor; he only came to get the weekly check-up results of the Quinx's, but somehow he found himself walking aimlessly around the hospital. He entered a new hallway, a silver plaque on the entrance read "Intensive Care Unit". Haise knew it was best to turn back and return to the chateau, however, he felt the need to look for someone. He didn’t know who it was, but he knew it was someone who was important to him once; his sunshine. The nurses on the floor gave him curious looks, but quickly resumed their activities since it wasn't rare to see one of the CCG investigators visiting patients.

Haise made turns at certain hallways; he didn't know where he was going but he knew that he was going in the right direction. _‘I should turn back,’_ Haise told himself but he couldn’t follow his own commands right now. He finally made a stop at the end of one corridor. Numbers on the door read ‘100’ and said details of the patient omitted into the room.

_Hideyoshi Nagachika._

_Reason: Ghoul attack._

Haise began trembling and he felt the voice inside of him start speaking, “ _ **NO NO NO NO. HIDE??? HIDE???** ” _it cried out in a series of shaky breaths and in a high-pitched, panicked voice. Despite the state the voice inside his head was in, he reached for the doorknob and tried to stop his hand from shaking. Why was he doing this? _Turn back, turn back **,** **turn back**_ , he commanded himself forcefully but he just _couldn’t._

The door opened with a quiet creak, and Haise took in the sight of a blonde with brown roots growing out lying on the bed. His eyes were closed, and there was a frightening amount of wires connected to him. Beeps were the only sound of the room along with the breathing of the male amplified due to the respirator mask hooked up to him. Haise stepped closer to the patient, was he sleeping? He looked at the clipboard on the nightstand of the person’s bed, and read the details. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this, but once again, he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

_Hideyoshi Nagachika._

_In Critical Condition for ghoul attack._

_Fatal wound on his shoulder, along with a few more minor scratches._

**_Comatose._ **

Haise read the last words over and over again. He looked again at the patient and set the clipboard down to its original spot. He was close enough now to look at the features of the blonde and he felt himself tear up. The eerily peaceful expression the person had on his face saddened him, and he looked away from the patient and began inspecting the room. He saw that it was surprisingly empty, except for the flowers that were dying on the other nightstand. He read the small letter that accompanied it, _From Touka._

He began feeling the same sense of panic, sadness, and hysteria all at once. The voice inside his head couldn’t stop freaking out, and frankly, he felt the same. Then suddenly his eyes caught sight of a picture in a frame, and he stopped breathing. It was him. **It was him.**

Brown, honey eyes shined brightly as the male was doing a peace sign as he had an arm around another male. His eyes travelled to the other male and the voice inside of him truly panicked, it was writhing around frantically. The other male had grey eyes and black hair, and was wearing a shy smile. It looked like he was uncomfortable, but he truly wasn’t. He was his happiest in this picture.

_With Hide,_ Haise thought.

_Hide…._

****_Hide!_  
  


Memories began swirling around his mind, and the voice couldn’t stop screaming. Flashes of the blonde smiling, laughing, and comforting him showed up. Memories of a play in primary school, memories of middle school days, high school days, and university. Memories leading up to that fateful day, a date. A date, with a ghoul. Pipes falling, bleeding everywhere, he felt. Avoiding Hide, protecting him, running away, trying his best not to get Hide in this mess. Not him, he thought, he can’t be involved in this world made out of someone’s imagination. *

Memories of a sewer, and feeling himself tired, and falling, and-

**“Yo, Kaneki! What’s with the getup?”**

**“All this time you had to suffer like this.”**

**Hide can’t be here. It’s a dream, it’s a dream, it’s a dream, he panicked.**

**“I already knew, man! Who cares about that? Let’s just go home already.”**

**“I want to help you…. Sorry, can you fight with all you got just one more time?”**

The voice inside him trashed even more, **“Hidehidehidehide,”** he repeated in a frenzy. **“I tried to protect him! I wanted to protect him! But…but…but,”**

Then there was the memory of him biting into _his_ flesh as he reassured him that it was fine. He felt himself black out, and woke up moments later with Hide not being seen anywhere, but there was the faint taste of blood in his mouth.

**“I ended up hurting him, I hurted him, hurthurthurthurt, Hide!,”** the voice screamed and Haise clutched his head and tugged at his strands of hair. With straining eyes, he looked at Hide on the bed and finally, the voice ended taking over him.

**Hide, hide, hide, hide,** it repeated.

 

He began to scream.

**Author's Note:**

> * i inserted a bit of the first tokyo ghoul op (unravel) lyrics, "I merely don't want to hurt you, inside a world, that came out of someone's imagination." (also used it for the title) 
> 
> first and foremost: i am so sorry for writing this. i thought of this idea like at 2 am, because i mean, if someone can really bring out the kaneki in haise, it can be hide??? especially if hide is in an injured state or maybe even seen being a half-ghoul (i mean, the possibilities of hide being a half-ghoul in re is kinda possible??? especially since we saw how seidou is already) idk. i just want hide to appear in re: already. i refuse to accept he's dead. 
> 
> and let's just say that touka knows about hide's condition, and visits him occasionally to talk to him (a bit ooc ik, but yeah). tbh i felt a little weird writing this because of the bolded letters and such, because it isn't my usual writing style. but hey, it's always good to try new things.
> 
> thank you for reading! :^)


End file.
